So sad

The physical pain has gone now but the emptiness is so massive. I keep trying to carry on so no one can see. I feel so torn as I want to explain how I cut up I feel but I don't want Si to say he doesn't think we should try again in case it happens again.

I look at myself in the mirror and so hate what I see. Just a couple of days ago, I was special. I was carrying a new life inside me, now I'm just an empty bottle, like the bottle of wine from last night. No good for anything except throwing out for recycling. Wish there was something I could be re-made as.

I look at my boys and know they need their proper mum, so got to keep on going and not keep dwelling in self pity. It was my baby though. My little life that was growing inside. I'm grateful that it wasn't much further through and I hadn't felt movement, but in the three weeks we'd known, I was so happy, and truly enjoying every moment. Relishing the pregnancy feelings and the feelings of elation and pride. The expectations of scans, the excitement of the birth and meeting our final member of our family.

Week 4

Hello!  I'm here!  Not very much of me yet but I'm busy.  Divide and separate, divide and separate.  Bump, bump, bump, my heart has started to beat abd my nerves are connecting.



Tired, oh so tired.  Started bleeding about a week ago but no sign of a proper period.  Remembering back to Ben and thinking something's definitely different to normal.  But the tiredness is so extreme, so much work to do but I so need sleep.  Guess it's time to find out.......

Walk up town with Ben and know as I'm walking that the result will be positive as I can feel my blood pressure is all over the place and feel really dizzy.

I rush home, a mix of excitement and nerves, am I being paranoid and coming down with a cold, or will it be positive?  Si and I have spoken about having another baby, but didn't dream it would happen so quickly.

Straight upstairs for the test, only bought a cheap box of 2 as I'm still not sure if I'm just being silly.  Waiting, waiting, waiting, not sure I can really believe what I'm seeing......is that really a feint second line?

Check, re-check, check again.......it's feint but there's definitely a line in that box.

Oh.........a million emotions in a few seconds.  Extreme excitement, we've made a life.  So scared, four children...... must be crazy, but this last thought isn't my own, it's the voice of other people's opinions.

Now I feel guilty that I didn't wait for Si to come home, so had a thought as to how to let him know.  A quick photo of the test, a phone call to make sure he's not driving, then email through with the title "Another Baby North!"

I could hear the excitement in his voice as he rang me back, but think it will take a while for the enormity to sink in.

Straight on the phone to the doctor's to get an appointment, and booked in with Dr Riley, the doctor who looked after James and Robert.

And so, a couple of days later, in to see him.  A lovely man, who if he hadn't taken me seriously when I was pregnant with Robert, may have missed my appendicitis.  Dr Riley took great pleasure in sharing the fact that he's got four children, and how much of a struggle he's found it!  So reassuring!